Angst & Morgenrot
by Pierre990429
Summary: This was my first fanfic attempt - Originally published at Kindreds on July 23th, 2007. Sharon/Helo. The Farm.


**Title :** Angst & Morgenrot  
**Author :** Pierre  
**Rating :** PG  
**Genre :** Angst/Introspection/Spiritual  
**Word Count :** 2450  
**Spoilers :** up to The Farm, and perhaps even after ...  
**Disclaimer :** nihil mihi.  
**A/N :** My very first fan-fiction.  
**Thanks to** Mamaboo & Honibrownhateza, two fantastic and patient beta-testers.

**ANGST & MORGENROT**

_-Grant me strength-_

_You _know? Kara asked. Hearing this intonation in her "Big Sister" 's voice was almost more painful than remembering her pointing the Mark III and firing, in Delphi.

_Twice, like Helo did. _

Sharon shook her head. "No". She didn't want to think about it, fearing to discover that she might be lying. The fact that she too had a mark that looked like a scar, but on her right flank, distracted Sharon a bit.

_All Eights have this sign, and we don't know why. Even the one I shot at the space-port. Four times. Those terrible gasping sounds she made ... We aren't fighters, for frak's sake! And why did she say "save yourself", after calling me a traitor? No, wait, I'm confused. _

_Her _Ka_ was gone when I reached her, thank God. Helo had disappeared and I had no hope to find him again before dawn, so I took the time to close her eyes and say the Blessing. But I didn't do it for Alpha, in the Museum ..._

Sharon almost dropped the roll of tape, but Helo's hand found hers, briefly caressing her palm, and he took it.

As Kara made this scoffing sound, Sharon felt the disdain of the Viper Pilot. Her rescue had been easier than expected thanks to the stolen armored carrier. Gladly, Sharon only had to destroy mechanical units during the process. She lowered her head, a feeling of guilt coming over her.

_I must seem selfish in their eyes, only thinking about me. Even Helo gave me this look when I explained what happened in these Conceiving Project installations._

_Only the leader of this human "resistance" group, who calls himself "Anders" (each human has a different name - heh, what am I saying? I'm Boomer and I know that), seemed more trusting. Strange, he was so quick in accepting me. I wonder why._

Again, she met Kara's eyes. What were they waiting for? The words "how many" were echoing in a corner of her mind.

"Hundreds, maybe thousands". _Probably even more_. "I don't know, I haven't accessed that data". Which was true.

In some cases, her people was able to seemingly establish a direct connection with mechanical or biological (unknown to human technology) computers, with the help of bio-nanobots.

_Like the glowing bioluminescence phenomenon that freaked out Helo when we made love again the night before we saved Kara, we don't exactly know how it works. It's more instinctive. And not always enjoyable. _

But, concerning the "Farms", Sharon wasn't aware of all the details.

Kara went away with Anders, still angry, bitter and planning some impossible projects, as it seemed.

Sharon felt suddenly sick. Like in the barn, when she had understood what was happening and that her mission had been successful. But this time she felt no joy in the wave of nausea.

She leaned against the side of Kara's car.

_What am I doing? Why am I betraying my people? I am a Cylon - no, I am Sharon Valerii - no, I'm both._

_I have all_ her _memories and yet it seems different. I remember Cally looking at Helo with a pained expression on her face, when Boom ... I rejoined the Chief after a recon mission. As if they both shared some secret._

_I wonder if ...Oh no, again, this pain-- _

_(blackness)_

--... aron!" She opened her eyes.

The expression on Helo's worried face was the same as it was that night, it seemed now an eternity ago, following the day where he shot her. She had realized that he was kneeling besides her, in the rain, his gun forgotten and lying on the dry ground, and doing something with the blood-soaked bandage.

She had probably passed out, but in her pride she wanted to believe that she finally could find some sleep, even in her terrible situation, and that Helo had just woken her up. She had seen a lightning reflected on the metallic extremity of a little object he was holding, felt a sting in her arm, had closed her eyes, - _I didn't want to show him that I was conscious - _and suddenly, no more rain, the dawn was there, her pain gone, and she was lying several meters away from before, in the protected area.

"Sharon! Speak to me! What's happening?"

"I'm okay, Helo. I'm just a bit tired, that's all". Helo obviously didn't believe her.

"Don't worry about Starbuck", he said. "She's gone through a lot. She didn't mean what she said. It's not your fault, Sharon."

_Yeah, some bad oysters, eh ? _

"It's not that, Helo - it's more than that. I just ... had ... this ... strange experience again. I can't really describe it.

I guess my memories are a bit mixed up."

She laughed sadly and put her right arm (her left shoulder was still slightly aching) on her belly.

_Again, I sensed this terrible pain, but not _really _felt it. How explain this? I hope nothing's wrong with ... Why do I imagine these things, like these words that the dead Sister never said to me?_

_Or someone standing over me and being sad beyond imagination? _

Helo was holding her in his arms, now. "Sharon, are you sure that you are in condition to pilot the Heavy Raider? if you want, we can wait a day or two before we leave. Hey, Kara will probably be grateful to stay a bit longer with Sam. I will talk with her. You rest, OK. You need it. Think about the baby."

Sharon interrupted the embrace, disappointing Helo, and feeling uncomfortable.

_Our child, Helo. We have created a new life. I feel her growing inside me. I never stopped thinking about ... oh, so it s ... _her_? ... since I knew. I was so afraid for her. I was terrorized when I climbed down that ladder, in the sewers, after having seen all these ground- and sky-Hunters. _

_I have to confess that I even thought about giving up and surrendering. Only one second, but I did. I thought that perhaps you could escape, alone. They would never have harmed me, nor the child I already sensed, somehow. I'm ashamed._

_Alpha, which game were you playing? Did you foresee all this? Is this why you seemed so pissed - or jealous - when you beat me, on the roof? So, did you see us or not, in the barn?_

_God forgives all. And I carry the first one of the new generation._

Sharon realized that Starbuck and Anders were rejoining them. Kara was holding the Arrow of the false idol. Apollo. She was about to cry, and the rebel leader was acting as if he hadn't noticed it. Sharon moved toward the front of Kara's car, Helo following her. She looked at the yellow sky.

_-Grant me wisdom-_

"Thank you, Helo, but I have the impression that we have to hurry. And I'll be fine, really." (louder) "Let's go home". _Home?_

_(Aboard the Heavy Raider)_

"Calabi-Yau. But an incomplete theory. No wonder you would need a half-thousand jumps using Colonial FTL-drives. Your mecha-computers couldn't do the trick anyway ... "

Starbuck was sitting behind, her blond hair more tangled than ever, looking miserable and lost in her thoughts, grasping the tube where she had put the Arrow back. Funny, she seemed to have forgotten her dog-tags (she had them when they rescued her).

Sharon remembered how Kara acted with rookies who would have done that. Helo was besides her as she made the last controls before the take-off.

"What are you babbling about, Sharon? Is there a problem with this bird?"

_I'm speaking in order to forget my fear, Helo. I don't really need to do a check-list. This thing could probably do a ground-jump, only that Anders, and maybe the buildings here, wouldn't appreciate the vacuum effect. And the flat bottom makes landings a lot easier than with Raptors._

_Chief would perhaps be disappointed not having the occasion to ... Chief? Ok. Right. The _other_ Sharon doesn't really _know_? Will the revelation make her suffer or bring her some peace? What will happen when we'll finally meet? Could I be friends with myself? _

_No, not myself, we are two different people, even if we're more than Sisters._

"Almost finished, Helo. It takes time, that's all". Guessing that she hesitated to add something, Helo put his hand on her cheek.

_Like Chief did. I haven't met him, although I remember. But Helo will always be the first in my heart, and I think he needs to hear this regularly from me._

"I love you, Helo". She saw his face relaxing. "Ok, now, we are ready." The on-board computer had already prepared the sequence, so she just had to confirm it.

The four bottom engines were activated and the ship began to rise slowly, and when the lifting force was sufficient, the eight rear turbines span up, the landing gears retracted and the H-Raider moved forward and gained more height and velocity, leaving a violet trail behind it.

"This vessel has an enhanced gravitation compensator, like on big ships, so you won't feel much during the acceleration, Helo. You could even be standing, if you wanted." Talking like this really helped to ease the pressure. But it wasn't enough. Her anxiety kept rising.

"Curse : the Fleet. Kobol, using Kara's coordinates. I am worried, Helo. What will Adama say when we'll arrive? Will he accept me?"

_He was the father I never had and was always so good to me, and because I am aware of my Cyloness, it's even more confusing. Wait. The Commander. What the frak? ... nooo ..._

"HELO!!"

Sharon's scream made Starbuck look up at them, surprised, and the Eight could almost read compassion on her face. _Did I look _that_ desperate?_

She was sweating and Helo had already put her head against his chest and tried to calm her. "I'll be there, I won't let anything happen to you, trust me, Sharon".

_Just do it._

For the first time since the moment where she was lying on these stairs, panting, her vision distorted and tainted in red by the pain caused by the fire in her shoulder, so disappointed that he had thought she really meant those three words, tears began to fill her dark eyes.

"I know, Helo, I know that."

_I saw you approaching, your mind tortured by your emotions, and knew before you did that you would lower your sidearm and that I would live, and our baby too, because you loved me.That's why I cried. And what you did the following night contradicted your awful paroles and proved it further. _

"Hold me tight, please." (whispering) "Something terrible must have happened. I can guess it somehow." She didn't want to say precisely what thinking about Adama had triggered.

She wasn't sure herself if she had really_ seen _him, weeping like a child, and asking _her _this question.

Helo continued to murmur gentle words, comforting her, worried and apparently intrigued, as the ship flew under DRADIS-detection altitude, guided by its auto-pilot.

After a while, Sharon felt well enough to check their progression. Martok's Valley was already far behind. The Heavy Raider was at maximal planetary speed, but had remained silent, since the shape of its fuselage could prevent the supersonic shockwave when a stealth flight was needed.

Starbuck had already forgotten the incident, playing with a black and red pyramid ball and her mind on the planet below with her _Caprican Buccaneer_, Anders.

"We won't leave the planet's atmosphere until we reach the terminator. It's safer, to avoid detection. The jump will be done shortly after."

The sky was changing, slowly becoming crimson.

_"Sharon, look at those clouds, and tell me this isn't the end of everything". _

And this anger _- frakking number 47! - , _this terrible sadness, Helo's face blurred, in the orange light, getting smaller and smaller, her hand against the glass of the cockpit, and the words she never found the courage to say, made inaudible by the thruster's roarings.

_Her_ last "memories" before she _woke_ up, surrounded by the "birth nurses". Sisters in her case.

_Birth is a traumatic experience. Eights seem generally to have an appeasing effect on new-born Cylons, so they are especially used for this task. "Resurrection nurses" are represented by various models. _

The only things distinguishing her from other Cylons were her implanted memories. But Sharon was aware of her condition, as any other Cylon would have been. She already had all basic knowledge, quickly learnt about her mission, and met the Alpha of the project, a Six, assisted by a Five, her Beta.

_And now I'm leaving this planet, pregnant, in love with an human, as a traitor, a fugitive. I won't help them to destroy my people, and will do my best to protect the Secrets. I am afraid, so afraid. Something is lurking out here. But this time Helo is with me._

The sun went down, but it was the dawn, for the second time this day, since they were flying against Caprica's rotation.

_-Grant me a measure of acceptance-_

Her hands on the controls, Helo's face, the metallic walls, all were becoming carmine. This color effect didn't last very long, just enough for Sharon to remember Helo's hands, full of blood, when he had helped her to stand up, holding her, and the guilt in his eyes when he had heard her moanings.

_Am I still lying on these stairs? Or grasping the rungs of that ladder? _

Then came the night. The ship began to rise very fast, now, in order to escape the gravity well. The memory was fading, but Sharon shivered as she thought seeing once more this paternal figure, as the first stars appeared, first twinkling, then cold and still, almost threatening.

_Why?_

And the jump field wrapped the Raider and pulled it away from_ this _space in zero-time. And the sky was empty again.


End file.
